In ancient times long past,
the galaxy was divided into two colossal powers,
who were warring fiercely with one another continuously.
Well, I don't know if that's true or not,
but I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby give my permission
to make the Excel Saga anime into a sci-fi.
Koshi Rikdo
Sore wa ai ja nai
That isn't love
Ai wa sore ja nai
Love isn't that
Aishite iru kedo aisarete wa inai
I am in love, but I am not loved
Kesshite ai ja nai
Definitely isn't love
Ketsu wa ai ja nai
Derriere isn't love
Aisaretai keredo motometari wa shinai
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi
I offer myself and throw my life away
Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Damashite sukashite yokohairi
Cheat, wheedle, interfere
Tanin o fumitaoshi keri o kamashite
And trample down and kick strangers
- Tonzura koite! - Tonzura koite!
- And we get the hell out! - And we get the hell out!
- Tonzura koite! - Tonzura koite!
- And we get the hell out! - And we get the hell out!
- Tonzura koite! - Tonzura koite!
- And we get the hell out! - And we get the hell out!
Tonzura koite!
And we get the hell out!
Banana no kawa de korondemo
Even if I slip on a banana peel
Sore wa subete ano kata no tame
It is all for his sake anyway
Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto
If anything, that is probably
Ai to iu na no chuuseishin
A kind of loyalty called love
In our last broadcast,
the contents of our broadcast were very self-centered,
and for that, we offer our deepest apologies.
As you can see, we have received
stacks and stacks of heartwarming letters from everyone.
If the letter-opening work hadn't taken so long,
we would have dealt with this sooner, but...
So, we would like to take this moment
to briefly explain this story to you, just as you demanded.
Quack Experimental Anime Excel Saga
The title is Excel Saga.
The literal translation would be an excellent legend of a hero,
or a conspicuous tale.
Setting the Stage
Set in F City, F Prefecture.
In this city is a ideological secret organization called ACROSS,
which is plotting to conquer the city.
Main Characters
Lord Ilpalazzo!
The super-commander of ACROSS, the ideological secret organization.
A dog I picked up, Menchi.
Pedro, immigrant worker.
Koshi Rikdo, not appearing anymore.
Nabeshin, looks to be appearing every time.
Jobless ronin A, B, and C, strangers.
Mystery old guy, appearing in episode five.
Mystery woman, appearing in episode six.
Mystery secretary, appearing in episode seven.
And I am the sole member of ACROSS.
Last name, Excel, first name also Excel. In other words, Excel.
My alias is Hanako Dosukoi.
Part-timer history: infinite. Abacus, Rank 3.
No rewards or punishments.
Well, basically, Excel Saga is a story about
the setbacks and glories of Lord Ilpalazzo and me
as we work towards the conquest of the city.
Ha ha ha! So that's how it was!
It's Earth.
You're right.
It's war!
Invade!
Dance!
They're so cute.
This is bad.
This is real bad!
Even the drum is going drararara!
Do something about it, Great Will of the Macrocosm!
Hot! It's hot!
This is the room that I shared with my coworkers.
Then when I was covered with flames last time,
was that all a dream?
Oh, Mr. Pe.
No!
What, what?
What?! You're at a good spot, so not now?!
That is right.
Oh, boy.
Long live Emperor Zuoh!
How dreadful! Or rather, what a thoughtful dream.
An intro, or rather, it dragged out this long,
and the punchline just turns out to be that it was a dream,
or rather, just terribly stupid, or rather...
Oh, I don't know what's what anymore.
And while I was confused,
here I was, fulfilling the needs of my body.
Table Pepper
And I even have pepper in my right hand!
Spicy!
I'm sorry, Menchi.
Menchi, you're my final resort.
You're like the gun in that whatchamacallit military unit.
You're so energetic, this early in the morning.
Even if it is noon already.
What are they doing next door?!
You're a sensitive guy.
It doesn't bother me one bit.
You've got nerves of steel...
You're not getting away from me!
That is not the issue here!
Look at this!
I'm Iwata. Norikuni Iwata.
Daimaru Sumiyoshi Pleased to meet ya!
I'm Nabeshin.
Oh, don't mind me.
Absolutely no progress has been made since last time.
Are things going to be okay?
Well, there's no need for me
to worry about such things to begin with, but...
In the end, that's your life...
By the way, is the food ready yet?
Do all your worries constitute such low-level issues?!
What about how to pay our delinquent rent?!
Or how to find a job at a stable corporation in this recession?!
Or what about sending money back to your family in the country?!
Or planning out a comfortable future, and so on, so on, so on?!
Haven't you ever run what little brain you have at full power
and thought about any of those things?!
I know that! But right now, it's time for food.
Darn right!
Menchi, watch the place while I'm gone.
Oh, please. It's rude to the other animals out there,
if you keep acting like you understand human words.
Later!
I get the feeling that the weather isn't looking so good.
Maybe I should bring an umbrella with me.
Let's see, I think Lord Ilpalazzo said that
there was something convenient for times like this.
I got it! Help me, Weather Break!
Weather Break
Weather Break!
Today
Today's weather in F City, F Prefecture will be sunny.
There is no need to worry about rain today.
All right, roger, roger!
As I wish for the incremental development of ACROSS,
let's go to the secret underground base!
ACROSS will conquer the city! ACROSS will conquer the city!
This is a terribly big event! Steal, punch, shout, shut up!
- Excel, Excel, Excel! - Grandpa, she's weird!
She must be in love.
Grandpa!
I sense you.
I can sense you, Space Butler.
My name is Space Butler. Don't you die before I do.
So is that where you are? Is it that important?
I found him! Over there!
The war dance is over. We will now descend to Earth.
Are there any with the courage to enlist to fight?
Are there any who are brave enough to die laughing?
What brave men you are. Take these 100 point patches!
Now, everyone, the war dance!
They're super-cute!
Hail, Ilpalazzo!
Well, our secret underground base of ACROSS is in big trouble.
Weather Break, you liar.
Well, who knew that an underground base would have such a problem?
What an oversight.
What do you think of this situation, Excel?
Yes, well, in order to mitigate
this wretched situation for the time being,
I have equipped this underling-looking wooden puppet
with an optional soy sauce pumping thingy.
Then I will make her a staff officer,
the option will be unit captain,
and you will be the toilet cleaner.
When you give rank to inanimate objects,
my position as an animate object is rather...
Did you say something?
With that aside, I would like you to take a look at this person.
Who is it?
Takanori Asai, also known as Choppered Nagamine.
Originally from F City, F Prefecture.
34 years of age, single.
He continues to play at the club Amigo
while trying to accomplish a major debut,
but this will be his eighteenth year doing so.
Any thoughts?
He's practically like a truck that's ignoring life's signboards
and running out of control.
In short, a worthless idiot.
Oh, might you be thinking of making this man a cornerstone
in ACROSS's conquest of the city?
No, I only wanted to hear your private impression.
There's no helping it. I will reject him.
Rejected
Lord Ilpalazzo, this place is pretty dangerous as it is,
and since it's time, may I go to my part-time job?
Wait a minute.
It is I.
What, conquer Earth?
Well, well.
I can only say that it is the idea of a fool,
who can only grasp generalized concepts.
Well, if they are Martians, perhaps it cannot be helped.
Understood. I will return to my normal strategic operations.
Hey, that isn't the point...
Thank you for waiting, Exce...
Such an impatient girl.
I'll make you turn out tasty!
All right!
What the hell is going on?!
Right when I'm eating a cup of ramen made with lukewarm water.
Hey! What is it?! You people are so noisy!
Be a little quieter, will you?! Hey!
Aren't they there?
You...
Well, that is...
It's all flooded with this rain.
What was with that?
Do you know my name?
It's a secret, so I won't tell you.
Already three days since I started delivering the evening paper.
Still only three days.
More like a flood than just a little seepage.
Cars floating by. Store signs floating by.
Mysterious carbohydrates floating by.
If it sweeps everything away,
our conquest will be over before we know it without any effort!
Nothing here...
What's the point of imagining it like that?!
Menchi!
Why you are here is a profound mystery.
Oh, where did that energy go that you had just a minute ago?
Get a hold of yourself, Menchi.
Besides, you won't be of any use to me in case of an emergency.
Hey, you're energetic again!
Now, since I've finished my work, I'll make a side dish...
No, I'll make a meal out of you.
Bicycle, bicycle.
I only looked away for maybe thirty seconds to a minute.
What a dexterous theft!
But it's okay! I won't let it get to me!
Right when the dawn of our conquest is near,
I cannot stand here
and succumb to something as trivial as a national conspiracy!
Hey, what's that?!
It's cute.
It's cute, but...
So what?!
Excel treatment concluded!
In other words, it has been democratically decided
by a vote of 99 against 1 that this is a super-weapon
that has been sent by ACROSS to me for the conquest of the city!
"Made in Mars" is written here,
but I will utterly ignore it, which equals recklessness!
Here we go, lady!
The nest of the ignorant and incompetent scum,
who exist only to be conquered by Lord Ilpalazzo.
I have seen the end of F City, F Prefecture!
My, my, my.
You made people excessively expectant of you.
I don't think a punch line like this is very fair!
Yo!
Yo! My name is Nanami! I'll make some kind of progress!
I'll concentrate my will and fire! Nice to meet you! Yo!
It's got a very manly-sounding built-in speech help function!
Feels very hi-tech!
That's ACROSS for you! There's definitely something extraordinary
about the enthusiasm it has for the conquest of the city!
Well, let's fire a shot! Guarandoo!
Princess!
All right, this is my chance!
Is that sort of my fault?
Hurry! We're going back!
The invasion of Earth is on temporary hold.
Okay, now!
What's this? What's all this?
Who are you?!
A warrior of Earth?!
So cute.
So what?!
You think to conquer the city with such wimpy spirit?! Preposterous!
Take this, Excel Punch!
Take this too, Excel Kick!
I can't help but feel that this development
is deviating from the normal course of events,
but are you going to reset this at some point or something?!
Great Will of the Macrocosm?
You're such an innocent, Mr. Pe.
No!
No reaction!
I got it! This is another of ACROSS's awesome secret weapons!
I'm right, aren't I, Lord Ilpalazzo?!
Thank you very much! With this, Excel will be invincible!
The incomprehensible whatsit gun and aerial transportation device!
And I'm even fully equipped with my emergency food supply, Menchi!
With this luxurious set of three items,
I will grasp the future of ACROSS!
We go! To the city's central executive facility!
It's not going!
Help manual, discovered!
Unable to decipher!
Now is my chance to take the princess to Earth...
You betrayed us, Space Butler!
No! I must not look at them! I must not!
But even as I say that...
Oh, it's no good. They're so cute! Oh...
Don't give up!
Nabeshin!
So, you remember me, Space Butler!
Who would have thought I'd end up helping you out now?
I'll beat the crap out of these guys!
Nabeshin, it's no use doing that...
I'm telling you...
What's wrong?! Come and get me!
Oh, it's no good after all!
Take that!
How could such a giant facility exist in space?!
ACROSS will take this facility in its entirety!
Are you watching, Lord Ilpalazzo?! Look at my work!
Third bridge has been heavily damaged!
Power dropping!
Engine three has stopped!
What in the world is this?
They tricked me! Me!
Me too!
And I'd thought they were so cute!
Capture them!
Stop! Don't let them get away!
And they're shooting too!
What's wrong?
I'll hold them off here. You go on ahead.
But...
Please take care of the princess.
I have not forgotten that vow in Pogota.
Don't die, Butler!
Thank you, Nabeshin.
When did this happen?
Oh, I miss those days.
We could do anything.
No, we believed that we could do anything.
So nostalgic.
You guys are cute, truly cute.
But between my promise to a friend and your cuteness,
there's a world of difference.
Quit crying "puchuu puchuu"!
Adiós.
Bitch!
Before I knew what was what, look at what's happened!
Farewell, Excel Saga!
From good morning to good night,
this program was brought to you by Japan Vic...
The way you look and the way you are dressed...
You must be additional personnel from HQ.
Welcome to my ideological secret organization, ACROSS.
What is your nationality?
If it's my code name...
How old are you?
Unspecified.
What are you here for?!
I don't know.
Colonel, she understands what's being said!
Tie her up.
Yes, Sir!
Episode 2: The Woman From Mars
Today's experiment...
Failed
Kizuiteta ano hi kara
I knew, ever since that day
Anata ga chikazuite kitawake
The reason you had approached me
Hagotae no yawarakai
Tender and soft
Kono mi ga anata no okonomi to
That my body is to your taste
Ue ni taeteru hitomi ni
To your hunger-stricken eyes
Kono mi wa dou utsuru
How does my body seem
Shokusu nara hitoomoi ni
If you are to eat me, do it in one blow
Oniku ga kataku naranu you ni
So that the meat does not get hard
Now, for next week's Excel Saga...
Good evening, my name is Hyatt.
How has everyone been these days,
when the cold is so bitter you almost freeze to death?
I tried planting a persimmon seed in front of the apartment,
but nothing has changed at all.
Perhaps I need peanuts after all,
or could something very basic be wrong?
That's right!
Let's see. Oh, next time is:
Episode 3: The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell
"The Sacrificial Lamb of the Venomous Great Escape of Hell"
That's all we'll be showing.
That's all!